Revenge Times Two
by KeepingUpDisappearances
Summary: Emmett and the Vicar are even more terrified of Hyacinth than anyone else. Emmett depends on Liz to keep the 'Bucket woman' away from him. Similarly, the Vicar is always sure his wife, Alice, will cover for him. One day, the two women have had enough, and devise clever plans to make the two men finally face Hyacinth-with a bit of retaliation on the side. - Set before my other fics.
Elizabeth Warden—known as 'Liz' to everyone who knew her, with a few exceptions—looked at her calendar as she finished washing the morning's dishes. On this particular day, red ink writing read: _church cleaning today. 1:00._ Liz grimaced slightly; of course she didn't mind helping out at the church—but there was something, or rather some _one_ that made her more reluctant to go.

Just then, the telephone rang. Liz jumped, and from where he sat at the table, Emmett Hawksworth grinned aggravatingly over the newspaper he held.

"Telephone, Liz!" he said perkily, and his sister glared at him.

"I'll be over in ten minutes, Hy—," Liz began as soon as she picked up the phone, and then stopped. "Oh, you can't have me over for coffee this morning?"—pause—"no, I'm not upset. Of course you must see to your father."

Another pause—"no, I haven't forgotten. I'll drive you to the church grounds this afternoon."

"Well, at least you are saved from morning coffee," Emmett said as he rose to leave for his job at the operatic society. "Although you _will_ be spending the afternoon with her. She'll probably want to work with you, since no one else can stand to be around her."  
Emmett gave her a provoking grin, but Liz did not rise to the bait. She only said complacently:

"You need to come, too. You've got a short day and can spare the time."

Emmett looked at his sister as if she'd suggested walking into an Irish pub singing 'Hail Britannia'.

"I _couldn't!_ She'll sing at me!"

"Well, I'll leave it to your conscience. There is much to be done. But—since you're not man enough to face up to Hyacinth for the sake of helping out your fellow humans…"

Emmett sighed. "Leave it to you to make me feel guilty, Liz. _Fine_ , I'll go as soon as I get off work."

 _Later that afternoon…_

At quarter to one o'clock, what looked like a walking flower garden came sallying up Liz's driveway. Hyacinth _Bouquet_ , decked out in a large purple hat adorned with pink silk irises and orange silk poppies, stopped in front of Liz and said after a moment, a bit too sweetly:

"Is _that_ what you're wearing, dear?"

"Yeees…" Liz said slowly, eyeing Hyacinth's bold print dress.

"It _does_ seem a little casual for cleaning something as holy as the grounds of a church. _Just_ trying to be helpful, dear. But, if you insist…"

Hatless Liz, in a tidy and practical but unremarkable dress, gave Hyacinth a rather cursory smile.

"Of course you want to be helpful," Liz said woodenly. "Well, we'd better be off "Of course," said Hyacinth. "I _do_ hope the vicar got my message that I'd be coming. I decided that Richard and I wouldn't spend today at our country flat. _You know_ how much the vicar counts on my service."

"Of course," Liz said patiently, preparing for a drive with a constantly chattering Hyacinth.

Meanwhile, the vicar himself was about to head out of his house to go greet and organize his volunteers. Michael Evans stopped long enough to tell his wife, Alice, of his plans.

"So, if you need me, I'll either be at the church hall or the main part of the church," he said cheerfully. "There's a lot that needs doing. We'll just have well enough volunteers, though. Helpful bunch, they are."

"You'll have one more hand on deck today," Alice said. "The Bucket woman decided to cut her trip in the country short and volunteer today." Then she smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, dear. I forgot to tell you."

Michael looked horrified.

"Then you'll have to make up some excuse for me," he said desperately, wringing his hands in alarm.

"Oh, no, I'm not going to let you bail out again," Alice countered. "She's your parishioner. You can't keep avoiding her."

"Please, Ally?"

Alice looked at him with some impatience, and then, for a moment, a rather crafty smile flitted across her face. The vicar didn't notice that, as he was looking pleadingly at his wife, who finally nodded. Michael looked very relieved.

"So now where will you be?" Alice asked.

"In my office, hid—er, doing some odds and ends."

Then he looked queerly at Alice. "What are you smiling about? What are you up to?"

Alice quickly assumed a more businesslike expression. "Not up to anything, except for getting to those volunteers."

By then, Hyacinth and Liz had arrived and joined the other volunteers in front of the church hall. Everyone else looked now as if they were going to their deaths. They hadn't had time to hide.

"Oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Lomax," Hyacinth said grandly. "Isn't it a lovely day? I am glad you're volunteering again. I can aid you if you need me to—I noticed that last time you were having a bit of trouble getting the altar linens folded correctly. And Mr. Perks, _very_ nice to see you again. I do hope you'll allow me to give you tips on cleaning the church floor, as you always do—it's never done _quite_ right. Just a kindly offer. No criticism, my dear! Ah, Miss Fern…"

"Hello, everyone. Thank you for showing up!"

Alice arrived in just as Hyacinth finished 'advising' the whole group.

"It's nice to see all of you," the vicar's wife said sincerely. She began pairing off volunteers, but there was an odd number of people. When there were three left, she smiled wickedly for a moment, and then addressed them.

"Mrs. Warden…Miss Potter…you two clear out any rubbish from under the stage, please. And Mrs. _Bouquet_ "—addressing Hyacinth, who looked ready to burst as various tasks had been given to other parishioners—"I'm afraid that there's nothing left for you to do…I _am_ sorry."

Then she said, masterfully sounding as if the thought had suddenly come to her:

"I _do_ feel bad that you've taken the time to come and not have anything to help with. I'm sure there _must_ be something, though. My husband will know more about that. He's in his office, why don't you ask him?"

"What a _won_ derful idea, Alice," Hyacinth said. "Your husband will be _so_ happy that I am going to consult him personally. Oh, and Richard sends his regards. I've had a bit of family trouble, and he's had to look after my Daddy."

With that, Hyacinth sailed off for the church office, with Alice struggling hard not to laugh, especially when Liz gave her a questioning glance. Alice finally managed to control herself and explain to Liz her devious plan.

"I'm going to get back at Michael for constantly trying to get me to make excuses for him," Alice said. "As much as I love that man"—here she smiled fondly—"I want to let him know I can't always cover up for him."

Liz laughed and smiled knowingly at the vicar's wife.

"Very devious," Liz said with a grin, and then turned to young Miss Potter. "Come along, Caroline. You and I can tackle the mess under the stage."

By the time Liz and Miss Potter had finished cleaning up the storage space under the church hall stage, Emmett had come. Both were emerging from the hall, a bit rumpled and dusty, they ran into Emmett, who was carrying some cleaning supplies out of one of the storage closets.

"Going to give that piano a cleaning, Liz," he said cheerfully. "And not a single sign of Hyacinth Bucket! She must be busy somewhere else. I'd better do it while she's not around, and get away!"

Emmett said this all very fast as started making his way to the stage area. He'd barely gotten a few feet away, however, when a strident voice echoed outside, coming closer and closer. He froze.

"That's it, I'm going!" Emmett said. "Don't tell her where I am!"

"Don't be so immature, Emmett," Liz said between amusement and annoyance, and restrained her brother. "Be strong! You can do it!"

"Now, Mrs. Lomax, don't feel bad about messing up the garden," the affected voice came closer, sounding louder. Emmett looked wildly at his sister, who suddenly said with great cheer:

"Okay, Emmett, I would tell her _where you are_."

"Yes!" Emmett said, and disappeared just as Hyacinth and Mrs. Lomax came into the room.

"Ah, _there_ you are, Elizabeth!" Hyacinth said. "You know, I thought I saw your brother walk up a little while ago."

"Oh, yes, he did," Elizabeth said brightly.

"Where is he, then?"

"Er—he's cleaning the piano by the stage." Liz's tone was evasive.

With that, her neighbor went striding into the stage room; as soon as the door had closed behind Hyacinth, Liz (and Mrs. Lomax and Miss Potter) heard Hyacinth's shrill voice rise into a song. All winced, though the voice was muffled.

"Galveston, oh, GAAALVESTON!"

There was a thud and a yelp as Emmett gasped loudly:

"Oh, hello, H-Hyacinth! How…nice to see you."

The three women burst into laughter, and then Miss Potter left. Mrs. Lomax, however, decided to linger. She Liz that she was waiting for Emmett's inevitable explosion.

Hyacinth eventually came striding out, saying something about needing to "go over the church garden" one more time (Mrs. Lomax turned red), and as soon as the door closed behind her, a furious Emmett came charging out.

" _What_ did you _do_ , Liz?" he said, either not noticing or not caring that he had a captivated one-woman audience. "You _told_ her where I was after you promised not to!"

"I didn't tell her where you _were!_ " Liz said, choking back laughter. "I just told her what you were _doing!_ Didn't I, Mrs. Lomax?"

Mrs. Lomax nodded, masterfully keeping a straight face. "Liz said 'he is cleaning the piano by the stage'."

"Damn loophole!" Emmett snapped. "I suppose you're happy."

"Very!" Liz grinned.

Before this had unfolded, before Emmett had arrived, Hyacinth had, of course, paid a surprise visit to the vicar. Michael had been organizing his office and doing some general tidying up when the Bucket woman's ingratiating voice called out:

"Gooood afternoon, vicar! How are we today?"

Hyacinth had evidently taken the half-open door as an invitation to go 'prancing' in. The vicar quickly covered up his horror, achieved some modicum of composure, and greeted Mrs. _Bouquet_ with stiff cordiality. He was about to ask how she'd found out where he was when Hyacinth answered the question.

"Your lovely lady wasn't able to find something for me to do, since there were so many very willing volunteers, but she said _you_ might have something that needs doing."

Michael thought wildly for a way to get her out of the office, and finally told her that she might "vacuum the vestry carpet". Hyacinth nodded but didn't leave; she took several moments to tell about how wonderful it was that the volunteers were so enthusiastic, and somehow managed to segue into bragging about her "dear, clever Sheridan."

Just moments later, Alice entered her husband's office.

"How's everything?" she said innocently, but a hint of an expectant grin betrayed her laid-back demeanor.

"Alice, you little trickster," Michael said in dismay. "Why didn't you keep her away?"

"There was nothing left for her to do. She was _so_ eager. I thought you might have something for her."

"You wouldn't have left her out on purpose, would you?" Michael said, giving his wife a scrutinizing look.

"Michael, you make me sound so devious."

"You did! I know that look on your face."

Alice gave her husband a mischievous look.

"Let this be a lesson that I won't _always_ make up excuses for you. Be _prepared_ for the possibility of a Bucket woman visit, or you'll get another nasty surprise like you did today."

Michael almost frowned at Alice, but her playful smile and the teasing light in her eyes _was_ oddly charming.

Shrugging in defeat, Michael put his arms around Alice and gave her a soft kiss.

"You make it hard to stay mad at you, Ally," he told his wife, flashing her an adoring smile.

'Ally' tousled Michael's hair affectionately.

"You know you can't resist me for long," she said with a coy glint in her eyes.

Emmett was not quite so easily forgiving. At dinner that night, Liz listened to him complain without ceasing. Hyacinth had startled his poor old heart so, he claimed. Her voice had interrupted his hard work, and her singing had gotten on his nerves. Hyacinth's pushy manner was just too hard on a recent divorcee…

Liz only looked on with wicked amusement, hugely enjoying her brother's dramatics, even if she did feel a little guilty. At least it was payback for all his teasing about her nerves over Hyacinth's coffee sessions, she justified.

Emmett let his dish of lemon chicken grow lukewarm before stopping his complaints, but it was only because of an outburst of laughter from Liz that had finally stemmed his diatribe. That fatal moment was one especially amusing complaint.

"And then she told me that my sweater was 'too frumpy for someone in operatic circles,'" Emmett said. "Can you believe it? How can she be _that_ damn picky?"

Liz's unassuming demeanor broke and what Hyacinth would deem a rather unladylike outburst of laughter surprised and annoyed Emmett. Nor did his sister give him a coherent answer when he said:

"I wish I knew the joke. What could be funny about that?"

"It's just—Hyacinth—when I—dress—," Liz gasped between spurs of laughter. "It's only that—dear Lord, Emmett—don't you know what it's like for me-ee—ee..."

And she burst into spasms of laughter again until she choked, but managed to compose herself.

"Well, now you know what it's like have your apparel constantly scrutinized," Liz said. "Imagine, if you saw Hyacinth as much as I do, you'd hear it _almost every day._ It does feel rather nice to have it happen to someone else."

Emmett went from frowning at his sister to giving her a look of forgiveness in less than sixty seconds.

"All right, Liz, you got me," he said. "I should condemn your little bit of _schadenfreude,_ but I can' _are_ a saint when it comes to Hyacinth. Still, I'm going to try to stay away from her as much as I can. I haven't your perseverance!"

* * *

I hope y'all enjoyed my little one-shot. I think I'm going to get out of the fan-fic 'business' altogether, at least for a good number of months, and focus on my other writing and hobbies.

I got this character pairing by using a web site list that shuffles a list of words into random order. I wrote down the main cast and used the first two names at the top when shuffled, which were, of course, Liz and the vicar's wife.


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